| Where do you come from??? An American woman asked me.
Here I am in this distant land, roaming amongst joyful people who sleep upon soft beds and smile at the days as the days smile upon them.
When people travel, they prepare for their journey. We travel to reach a destination, but I traveled with my heart, guided toward an inner goal that maybe as much in the journey as in the arrival.
My journey was different because it didn't require a destination but it begins with me taking sometime to reflect on what I want from it.
I declared how I wanted my life to change and I offered up my fears to the open air, including my fears of the changes that may happen in my life or the lives of those people I love. I surrendered to God, which is an act I knew will lead me into an unpredictable journey of the soul.
When you set goals for yourself, you cannot foresee what will happen to you throughout your journey in attaining them.
I was certain of only one thing: by separating myself from my family, community, home and work, I was about to get to know the real me, in a way I was unable to whilst surrounded by familiar faces and places who had already pre-defined who I was, without my full awareness or consent. Finally I was about to approach, grasp and attain my spiritual self and existence.
Although I felt the deep pain of homesickness for my family, friends, faces I'm familiar with in the streets, and especially my Anam Cara, (Soul Friend) I knew this journey called me out into something equal to the wilderness of a jungle.
I already knew I would face the difficulties, hardships and tough times that come with leaving, however I also knew I would experience a new form of self awareness and love to my inner life and self. I'm on this journey because I want to regain my lost consciousness, to live more in the present instead of my past and become fully engaged with life, when I travel back home.
Willingly I let go of the structure and reference grid of my past life and became fully receptive to change. I was also aware that during my absence, the lives of all those I left behind wouldn't stop with time, but that they too would grow and change. I knew that my journey was full of risks. One of the risks of leaving home is that home will never be the same home you go back to. I knew that with this journey I would be opening possibilities of potential danger, inner conflict and struggle. It would be the time where I would meet my worst fears and confront them. In addition, I also knew I would go up against what has previously prevented me from hearing my soul's voice and from living a life of compassion and happiness.
People measure their lives year in, year out, but my memory only recalls moments, timeless moments when the universe is distilled and I can receive a clear and short glimpse of our place in it all.
I recall such a moment when I was a long way from home, on the High Way going to Half Moon Bay with some friends. At this particular time, I sat at the edge of one steep looking out into the ocean, and the mountains behind.
In the still quiet of these moments, time stopped. I suddenly felt alone, and definitely aware of being in a strange and distant land. I had no thoughts, only a sense of being unconnected to anyone or anything familiar.
Just in that stillness I remembered my friend whom I didn't have the chance to say goodbye to her while she lay on her deathbed. I only wished that I could have been there holding her hand and I said a prayer asking that a bridge from my heart could carry my message to her, wherever she was on her journey.
She was a soul that never harmed anyone. She always helped everyone.
I wanted to tell her that there was no need for her to be afraid, she was going home where she would receive a warm welcome.God who had sent her here, would welcome her and embrace her and take her ever so gently, and lovingly home. All I wished for is to kiss her hands and tell her how much I love her for being the source of my comfort and tenderness in this world.
From the time we are children, we go on journeys real and imaginary into places of our dreams, our lives and our world where the wild things are, where we face our fears or struggle to understand who we are in relationship to others who inhabit our world. In this distant land I experience that I'm alone and not alone. I'm neither where I have been nor where I am going. But the sweetness of what I taste on this journey is what is keeping me on the road still.